Woah. Hats off to you single parents.
Everyone has their issues, demons, what ever you want to call them. But let me tell you mine. Some days I would wake up and not want to be here. Some days I wake up full of life. Some days Milla would have me up at the crack of dawn and I would be very grumpy and other days I was glad and knew I needed to make the most of our time together. As we know, they aren't babies for long. Some days I had things planned others I had nothing planned. Somedays my head would be telling me to leave they house but my gut was telling me not to. I have battled for a very long 5 months now. Baby groups. Cool. Ok I'll go. They were ok. Babies all Milla's age and I knew their parents so it made it easier. Some days I couldn't get sorted in time and would sack the groups off. With only working two days I had A LOT of head fuck time. Work keeps me sane. So thank you Swain Fam....... and clients. What a dream that place is. If it wasn't for there I'd have cracked up. It was where I could be myself without anyone judging me (or if they did I didn't feel that) and hide from my problems. People genuinely care and ask me at every appointment how I'm doing and how Paul was getting on. It gets tiring explaining the same crack over and over. Most of it sounded ridiculous. Thats because the situation is. I tell people and to me it sounds like I'm lying. I get home from work and just crash. Forget to eat most of the time. Then eat biscuits. Lie in the bath. Look on my phone. Put your fucking phone down says my head. I have so much to do. What are we gonna do tomorrow? I wonder how I'll feel I the morning. I wonder if I'll get a good nights sleep. I wonder what time Milla will wake up. I used to mediate. Head Space. It's a saviour. So thank you Head Space. I've sort of lost touch with it though. My biggest demon is going out alone. I hate leaving the house. I panic I'm going to bump into someone I don't want to. It's so silly. My anxiety has been on top form since Paul left. I've held everything together for our girl. If it wasn't for her I don't know where or if I'd even be here.
Friends. What is a friend? My definition of friend is- being there through good times and bad. Checking in every now and then. Getting the help when asking for it. Noticing something is wrong or noticing when something is right and being happy for that friend. Making time for one another. This is another thing. Everyone has their own lives. People have their own problems but also people are too wrapped up in their own shit and only care about themselves. Since narrowing down the "Friend" title I know for sure who mine are. The ones who pretend to care really don't. But I have them sussed. I've made some really shit judgements in life. I always give people the benefit of the doubt and listen to both sides (a lot don't do that. Always two sides to every story.) I've lost friends and let friends down. I became a person I didn't know anymore. I got myself into shit situations. WhatsApp groups are the devil. They attract so much negativity. People love drama and love to see people having a shit time but would never speak about someone who is doing well. We're all guilty of this. I'm glad I've come out the other end. I met up with a best friend of years yesterday. We had spoke through the week and talked a little about mental health. The voices in your head. I don't have voices in my head. I started to read Fearne Cotton- Quiet and she mentions the voices. I don't have them I thought. As I was driving on the M56 I noticed the voices!!!! Its my voice. Ahhhhh, get it!
We actually fell out. We both had a lot going on. Prime example of what I've just been talking about. How dare we let shit come between our friendship. I spent the night in her beautiful home and felt at peace. We talked a little about whats gone on and then talked all about us and what we had missed in that year. WOW how much we had missed. It's very sad but I'm so glad we can see past it all. Anything what was said. Anything that was said in anger or encouraged by others. We are past it. Thank you you conker😉
I have a long way to go yet. Whether its asking for help from a doctor or waiting to be reunited with Paul because you know whats most upsetting, all these feelings weren't here when I had him here.
Raising Milla on my own has been god damn hard but the most amazing thing I have ever done. Paul thanks me every day for caring for her. We have had the most wonderful of times. It's been very sad as it hasn't been the three of us and we have been robbed as a family. But once we are reunited we will carry on making memories💛
MASSIVE thank you to those friends that have been with me on this epic journey.
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