Living life as a single parent

Woah. Hats off to you single parents.
Everyone has their issues, demons, what ever you want to call them. But let me tell you mine. Some days I would wake up and not want to be here. Some days I wake up full of life. Some days Milla would have me up at the crack of dawn and I would be very grumpy and other days I was glad and knew I needed to make the most of our time together. As we know, they aren't babies for long. Some days I had things planned others I had nothing planned. Somedays my head would be telling me to leave they house but my gut was telling me not to. I have battled for a very long 5 months now. Baby groups. Cool. Ok I'll go. They were ok. Babies all Milla's age and I knew their parents so it made it easier. Some days I couldn't get sorted in time and would sack the groups off. With only working two days I had A LOT of head fuck time. Work keeps me sane. So thank you Swain Fam....... and clients. What a dream that place is. If it wasn't for there I'd have cracked up. It was where I could be myself without anyone judging me (or if they did I didn't feel that) and hide from my problems. People genuinely care and ask me at every appointment how I'm doing and how Paul was getting on. It gets tiring explaining the same crack over and over. Most of it sounded ridiculous. Thats because the situation is. I tell people and to me it sounds like I'm lying. I get home from work and just crash. Forget to eat most of the time. Then eat biscuits. Lie in the bath. Look on my phone. Put your fucking phone down says my head. I have so much to do. What are we gonna do tomorrow? I wonder how I'll feel I the morning. I wonder if I'll get a good nights sleep. I wonder what time Milla will wake up. I used to mediate. Head Space. It's a saviour. So thank you Head Space. I've sort of lost touch with it though. My biggest demon is going out alone. I hate leaving the house. I panic I'm going to bump into someone I don't want to. It's so silly. My anxiety has been on top form since Paul left. I've held everything together for our girl. If it wasn't for her I don't know where or if I'd even be here.
Friends. What is a friend? My definition of friend is- being there through good times and bad. Checking in every now and then. Getting the help when asking for it. Noticing something is wrong or noticing when something is right and being happy for that friend. Making time for one another. This is another thing. Everyone has their own lives. People have their own problems but also people are too wrapped up in their own shit and only care about themselves. Since narrowing down the "Friend" title I know for sure who mine are. The ones who pretend to care really don't. But I have them sussed. I've made some really shit judgements in life. I always give people the benefit of the doubt and listen to both sides (a lot don't do that. Always two sides to every story.) I've lost friends and let friends down. I became a person I didn't know anymore. I got myself into shit situations. WhatsApp groups are the devil. They attract so much negativity. People love drama and love to see people having a shit time but would never speak about someone who is doing well. We're all guilty of this. I'm glad I've come out the other end. I met up with a best friend of years yesterday.  We had spoke through the week and talked a little about mental health. The voices in your head. I don't have voices in my head. I started to read Fearne Cotton- Quiet and she mentions the voices. I don't have them I thought. As I was driving on the M56 I noticed the voices!!!! Its my voice. Ahhhhh, get it!
We actually fell out. We both had a lot going on. Prime example of what I've just been talking about. How dare we let shit come between our friendship. I spent the night in her beautiful home and felt at peace. We talked a little about whats gone on and then talked all about us and what we had missed in that year. WOW how much we had missed. It's very sad but I'm so glad we can see past it all. Anything what was said. Anything that was said in anger or encouraged by others. We are past it. Thank you you conker😉
I have a long way to go yet. Whether its asking for help from a doctor or waiting to be reunited with Paul because you know whats most upsetting, all these feelings weren't here when I had him here.

Raising Milla on my own has been god damn hard but the most amazing thing I have ever done. Paul thanks me every day for caring for her. We have had the most wonderful of times. It's been very sad as it hasn't been the three of us and we have been robbed as a family. But once we are reunited we will carry on making memories💛


MASSIVE thank you to those friends that have been with me on this epic journey.

Airport.......... round 2 (2/2/2019)

The day had arrived. We were so excited. Sounds funny but we just wanted him out the country before his visa ended. Two days and it was over. We didn't have time for another cock up. We travelled down the day before and stayed at Grandma's for the night as his flight was early afternoon. We got to the airport in plenty of time and joined the cue. We were on pins. I was watching like a hawk to see if he had got checked in. My Dad had to go for a walk. YESSSSSSSSSSS! Then the emotions started. My tummy was in knots. We stood and made small talk as he held his girl for the last time in a long time. My heart was breaking. Mam and Dad gave us some time but stood close. "You should go soon" Paul said. It was just cruel. You could tell the hanging around was killing him. He said goodbye to my Mam and Dad and thanked them for everything. All three of them, then me were bawling our eyes out. Is this really happening. I was still hoping someone was going to come over to us and say "It's ok, he can stay" We walked towards the departure gate for him to go through customs. "Look after our baby girl" We said our goodbyes. I stood in floods of tears as he went up the escalator. He walked along the corridor and I could see him in every window until there were no more. I turned around and left for the lift. A worker was looking at us in horror. Bless him. I couldn't breath. I was holding my girl tight. Does she realise whats just happened. I don't know whether I'd had a panic attack or an anxiety attack. I was numb.

George Ezra- Hold my girl reminds me of this picture so much💔

She's just a Daddy's girl💖

Another few days

We got home and we were numb. “Has that actually just happend?” We all kept asking each other. There was nothing we could do that night as it was late so I would make some phone calls in the morning.
I called budget air and explained the situation. I said you never stated that he needed a transit visa. “You should have just known” “Ive never heard of a transit visa and why should I just know. I don’t often make the two day journey to Tongan. In fact I never have!!” I was so pissed off. I was left on hold three times why he went to speak to "His manager" He explained that I could either book another flight and pay the difference or lose my money. "I'll book another flight for this weekend please" Off he went. On hold. Came back. "Right theres no flight this weekend to Tonga" "No flights. Really!" Then he went again. On hold. "I can get Paula to Sydney. Is that ok" "You can get him to Sydney? No that's not ok. He needs to get home. This is the problem he's just had!" Off he goes again. On hold. "No sorry I can only get him to Sydney" "So I'm going to lose my £899 plus fees!" "Yes" Smart. Thanks for nothing.
My Mam rang my Uncle and he went to Cumbria Travel in town. He called and said go down and speak to Jamie. He can sort you out. So off we went. Me, Paul, Mam and Milla. Jamie was great. He got Paul a flight to Tonga for the Saturday. So Budget Air were talking shit. Jamie said there were plenty of flights. He even called New Zealand Government to see if Paul needed a Transit Visa. He didn't as his stop over wasn't for longer than 8hours. His route home was different this time. He flew from Manchester- Do-ha -New Zealand- Tonga. Epic. With Budget Air it was going to take 45 hours and with Cumbria Travel only 35. It cost £1,500. I couldn't recommend them enough.
We had a lovely few days together. Just us. It was a strange feeling. It didn't feel as sad as we'd felt the worst pain the week leading up to him going.

Milla's First Snow⛄

The Airport........ Round 1.

The night of the 27/01/2019 was our last night as a three. The pain I was feeling for Paul was unbearable. Me and Paul done the night time routine with Milla. We put her in her cot and we both just stood staring at her, hugging each other in floods of tears. "We're going to be ok" I said. "I know" Paul sobbed. We went and collected a Chinese Takeaway from Oriental Garden in Whitehaven. The best Chinese around. We sat at the table with my Mam and Dad and chatted away with lots of silences. "This doesn't feel right this" My Dad said. "Cause it's not" I replied. This shouldn't be happening. How dare they split our family up. I was so so angry and still am. More disappointed then angry. We went to bed that night knowing when we woke up that was it. Was it just for weeks, was it for months. No idea. The not knowing was the worst part. Not having a date to look forward too was torture. That morning was very quiet. Milla came into our bed for cuddles. Paul couldn't take his eyes off her. Bawling his eyes out. This is so so wrong. Thats all that kept going through my head. So so wrong. It was heart breaking. We can do this! Although we had all this pain we had to stay strong and most of all stay positive. Paul was all packed. That morning all all a blur now but we made our way down to Cheshire. We waited at my Grandma's as his flight wasn't until 7.10pm and it was a 15 minute drive from here to the airport. I just didn't want that time to come. It was getting closer and closer. I kept looking at him. He couldn't look me in the eye.
Off we went. Saying goodbye to my Grandma was all a blur now too. He was very fond of her as she was him. We got parked at the airport and made our way to the terminal. He was flying with Etihad and I booked the flight through Budget Air online through Sky Scanner. £899 it cost then the hidden added extras, THEN I had to book his seats through the Etihad website. £54. So in the end it cost nearly £1,000. We one t a get in the cue. It was busy. Milla on my front in a carrier. A worker said I couldn't wait with him so I went and stood at the side with Mam and Dad. If only that guy knew that our time together was so so precious. He cued for an hour. There was 8 check-ins and only 4 open. They were so so slow. 6pm. He was still in that cue. This was a long haul flight. No fish here it seemed. He finally made it to check in. And was there a further hour. We were all panicking. No one came to tell us what was going on. I managed to catch his eye. "What's going on?" I mouthed. "Can I come over?" "Your not allowed" he said. My Dad being my Dad, "Fuck this" and off he went. Then off I went. My Dad explained that he was his Father in-law. The girl behind check in had said Paul wasn't allowed his family to come over when he asked if his family could come over. How ridiculous! I went and spoke to her. How I kept my cool I don't know. "I'm trying to get him a Transit Visa" she said. "What's a Transit Visa?" I replied. "Because his stopover in Sydney is over 8 hours he needs a transit visa. Don't worry we'll get it sorted" "I've never heard of a transit visa" I said. "Neither have I" She said frantically making calls. There was a guy (I'm assuming her manager) who tried to whisper but clearly couldn't as I heard him say "Come on now. Leave this. There's other people who need checked in" How dare he!! Then another woman came over. Asking the girl who was dealing with us questions about other passengers. All three of the check in desks were hounding this poor girl. She was so apologetic towards us. The others were so so rude. Couldn't have cared less about us. She called Queensland to get Paul a Transit Visa but they said it was too late. It was now 6.50pm and his flight left in 20minutes. She asked me if I could go online and find him another flight from Sydney to Tonga. I said 1, I haven't got the money and 2, if there was a flight without an 11hour stop over they would have sold me that in the first place. I was shaking. Holding my baby girl. It felt like I was in a film. You see this stuff happening to people on telly and now this was a reality for us. "So he can't get on this flight?" I said. The airport like a ghost town. "No" "His visa end in 6days!" "Sorry there's nothing we can do" The other woman replied.  I wanted to scream at her! NOTHING YOU CAN DO. YOU'VE DONE FUCK ALL ANYWAYS! YOU'RE CUSTOMER SERVICE IS APPALLING AND I WON'T BE RECOMMENDING YOU TO ANYBODY! But I kept my cool. "I've paid for his seats can I have my money back please?" "Sorry we don't deal with that side. You'd have to call them up. Did you book the flight through the Etihad website" "No, Budget Air" "No you'd have to call Etihad" I walked away as my Dad stood explaining everything. "The poor lad doesn't want to go but unfortunately he has to because our country has rules. His visa ends in 6days. What are we supposed to do now!" I'm sorry" she kept saying. She wasn't sorry at all. She just couldn't be arsed. A transit visa though. Have you ever heard of anything so ridiculous in your life! Whats the point in one of them! You can't leave the airport anyways. Anyone could tell you that. I felt numb and couldn't believe what had just happened. I felt like I was in a dream. We got back in the car and headed home. My phone started going mental with messages. "Did he get a way alright?" "Are you ok" Now I had to explain to everyone. What a nightmare. A positive comes out of every negative I believe and my positive was we got to spend another few days together💓

Screw you Monday!

Our last days as a 3

We have made some wonderful memories. Christmas was great and we truly showed Paul how us Brits do it. On Christmas Eve we left a carrot on the door step for Rudolph, a mince pie and a glass of red for Santa and we even sprinkled Reindeer food on the decking so he could find his way. It was a special Christmas. But still this whole leaving thing was hovering over us like a big dark cloud. We went fishing on Whitehaven Harbour. Seeing Paul fish was something else. He had a Heineken bottle attached to a long piece of wire with a weight and hook at the end with his bait on. 7 fish he caught in an hour!! We took Milla for her first swim. She absolutely loved it! We spent New Years Eve in with my Mam, Dad, Brother and his kids as his partner was on night shift. Just a nice chilled night. I don't really like doing anything on New Years Eve but my favourite thing to do is watch Joules Holland. We discovered the lovely Lowes Water and met a lovely lady with her Dog, Lowey named after the lake. She was now on her own as her Husband had sadly passed away a few years before. She lived down south and sold up and came to live in Cumbria. Her favourite place. My bestest Lauren who I met in Australia came home for a month over Christmas. Her Kewi Boyfriend Matt came over too and we met them at Grasmere. Another one of my fave places. It was sooooooooooo good to see her and Matt just bounce off each other. I was delighted to see how good she was doing and also looked. We also visited Rydal Caves. That was a good adventure. It was awesome. We spent a lot of time at our dear friends Daniel and David'. They have looked after us so much and I don't know what we'd do without them. So thank you you two🧡 I took Paul to Wasdale and we had an amazing Sunday Lunch at The Strands. We went for Afternoon Tea at Lingla Cafe in Frizington. Another little gem. We went to Buttermere and Paul danced on the icy puddles. We met a lovely little couple from The Wirral who were here on holiday. I love meeting new people. I believe it makes a massive difference to your life. The Rugby lads had a get together in the Club after Paul's last match. They presented him with a Rugby shirt with his name printed on the back and made him man of the match. He was so proud and it was very emotional. We had our last family meal at The Parkside. That was really nice. Paul also bought all cards for me that I'd be needing while he was away. Mothers Day, my Birthday, Valentines Day. That was a bit sad watching him write them out. The pain I was feeling let alone him was horrific. I can't even explain because I'd never felt this before. How were we ever going to get through this. Apart for at least 3 months! This is how long it can take. Up to 60 working days. Paul not seeing Milla grow and achieve. It was soul destroying.